Saturday, July 26, 2008
Are You Ever Sick of Yourself?
Lately I have grown tired of my own repeated failings and the judgemental thoughts that enter my head which are neither helpful for edifying to me nor the situations about which I am having them. I have become increasingly aware of my own self-righteousness and the feelings of noble suffering with which I prop up my raging but broken ego. I am sick of myself. Sick of wrestling the same demons. I want to be like the dead man who has neither judgement for his brother nor need for the praise of others.
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Sometimes in the cycle of self-loathing, the weariness wears us down until we feel "hollow" and almost unreal; The savage role of judgmental ego and the imaginary, but real feeling of "I ought to..." becomes a quicksand of morose brooding. The way I have dealt with that internal critic who expected perfection...was to just go somewhere private, I went to a park I liked, and sat on a long green pinic table and told myself, that "I loved me just the way I am...no ifs, no whatevers..."
It felt kinda corny at first, but the sense of self-acceptance began to break through my darkness, like a flicker at first...but a flicker I kept alive...I used the mental image of a candle, flickering.
That was my first real deep effort at loving all of me and not being so judgmental; In turn when I could better laugh at my own foibles, or even just have self-compassion, my sense of rage began to subside; Now it flashes in certain situations, but I am better at recognizing the "triggers" which set me off.
Like being invisible in my job...like a robot automaton...Not expected to think or be creative or have any say...Just be the dumb ass do-be. That will be a trigger for me and set me off. But like being able to smell a coming rain,
I am better able to see the trigger and recognize what's happening.
The other option is always to hold on to whatever "divine belief structure" you embrace, and be one in the act of loving compassion...It begins with self and radiates out from there.
Hope you find the release and sense of personal forgiveness; I am sure the seeds of some of these insights are with you.
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